Internal monologue #1

So close, yet too far

We did it. After several hours of brutal hiking, we have finally reached the top of the lookout. We are so high up that the sheets of clouds are surrounding us. Standing together, we face the vast escarpment of lush trees. It's beautiful, yet I cannot overcome this emptiness. I tell myself I should be proud, but I know I haven't accomplished my true goal.

I watch my friend as he looks proudly toward the distance. While he stands here with me I think of how much I wanted this, just the two of here, away from society and their norms. And then, after talking and observing the scenery, I could finally draw up the courage to tell him my true feelings. The ones I have hidden not just from the world, but from myself. His forgiving nature, his smile, his friendship. For the longest time, I hated myself for even thinking that way. I felt jolts of happiness being with him, but every time I did I felt as if I was committing a crime. I told myself I couldn't go on hating myself like this anymore. It took me some time but I convinced myself that if I could learn to accept who I was, maybe he would too. And that is how I came to set this all up.

I open my mouth to say something, but I'm being held back. Could it be the fear of rejection, loss of friendship or just fear itself? My heart races quickly, feeling as though it were to erupt from my chest. What if he takes it the wrong way and becomes afraid of me? It's common for men to be afraid of other men being attracted to them, I know this. Our relationship would be over faster than clouds rolling past us. I'm having doubts about myself, my self-esteem sinking to the pits. He's right there, so close yet too far from my reach.

As I struggle through this internal war, my friend continues to daze out into the steep valleys. He doesn't notice a thing. How can he, he doesn't know how much I love him, and now he'll never know. And now, I can't look at him the same way I did before, so I just stare at the rocks below me.

Audiences: All ages
Purpose: To give a perspective of the inner struggles homosexual/bi people go through, particulary those who are men.